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transformers whos side are you on octopus or megatron
PAPELBON'S GIRLFRIEND
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what is the name of old movie where the midas touch turns everything to shit
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wolfpack gangsta rap group
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rhino vs hippo
Once upon a time, when dragons danced like ballerinas upon marble toadstools and the Queen of Michigan lay waste to a thousand tiny wicker men with her furious laser bionic eyebeams, there was a little thing floating around on the web called the Friday Five. This consisted of a set of five somewhat related questions that was posted on a website that people could copy and paste on their blogs, livejournals, melodramatics or what have you, and answer the questions. The questions varied. Some were standard and pretty mundane, while others were more imaginative.
The Friday Five official site died a while back and so I stopped doing them. But I'm going to start making my own, and I encourage anyone reading them to copy the questions and write their own answers either in a comment or on their own site, if you have one. Or make your own! We shall call this the Marquis of Montana rules, in honour of the first Montana Marquis, Dave Modano.
:: FRIDAY FIVE ::
1. What has been the best "out-of-nowhere" fluke find you have made? Shaun of the Dead, which I found by noticing the name in the paper and thinking it was a spelling mistake.
2. What's something you find yourself "finding" repeatedly? Wallet is a big one, time to sleep would be a definite second one.
3. Quick it's hide and seek. Where is somewhere in your house you could hide really, really well? In our old couch, like literally INSIDE the couch. It was hollow between the cushions and bottom, so one could easily fit in there, and would probably find numerous remote controls.
4. What's something unlikely but possible that you would like to find selling for cheap in a pawn shop? I'd like to find an original or special "ghost" edition Starscream figure.
5. What is something that you have found yourself laughing at recently? The endless stream of hilarious MSN convos I've been archiving for their eventual appearance on the site. Oh, and the TV commercials for ONG-BAK or GAK-BONG or BOK-NAG or whatever it is, the one with like twelve flying knee attacks in a 20 sec. trailer.
[posted by Rades at 2:26 PM] LINK ||
The Friday Five official site died a while back and so I stopped doing them. But I'm going to start making my own, and I encourage anyone reading them to copy the questions and write their own answers either in a comment or on their own site, if you have one. Or make your own! We shall call this the Marquis of Montana rules, in honour of the first Montana Marquis, Dave Modano.
:: FRIDAY FIVE ::
1. What has been the best "out-of-nowhere" fluke find you have made? Shaun of the Dead, which I found by noticing the name in the paper and thinking it was a spelling mistake.
2. What's something you find yourself "finding" repeatedly? Wallet is a big one, time to sleep would be a definite second one.
3. Quick it's hide and seek. Where is somewhere in your house you could hide really, really well? In our old couch, like literally INSIDE the couch. It was hollow between the cushions and bottom, so one could easily fit in there, and would probably find numerous remote controls.
4. What's something unlikely but possible that you would like to find selling for cheap in a pawn shop? I'd like to find an original or special "ghost" edition Starscream figure.
5. What is something that you have found yourself laughing at recently? The endless stream of hilarious MSN convos I've been archiving for their eventual appearance on the site. Oh, and the TV commercials for ONG-BAK or GAK-BONG or BOK-NAG or whatever it is, the one with like twelve flying knee attacks in a 20 sec. trailer.
[posted by Rades at 2:26 PM] LINK ||
I've watched some pretty damn awful movies since moving out here, mostly in theaters but a few as rentals, a notable fact since there is no theater here. This means that a good two hours of time on weekend visits are wasted on these cinematic nightmares, where instead I might have done something more productive, like jumped off bridges or bludgeoned myself to death with large stones.
Particularly of note on the wretched garbage list are Blade: Trinity and Resident Evil: Apocalypse (colons in titles are bad, people), Assault on Precinct 13, and The Day After Tomorrow. The latter two weren't all bad per se, but had a few of those infuriating moments that were so confusing that it ruined the entire rest of the movie for you. This post will be about Precinct and Day After Tomorrow, and if I can muster up the patience and hateful rage, I'll write about Blade and Res Evil later.
In Precinct 13, Ethan Hawke (who I think looks like Ben Affleck with a stupid little goatee) is defending the police station in what appears to be downtown New York, from corrupt cops who want to kill Hawke's prisoner, mobster Laurence Fishburne, because Fishburne plans to expose them. And of course said bad cops are taking no prisoners. Eventually there's a showdown in the alley outside the building. We see Hawke blow some shit up, then we cut to someone else for a few seconds, (probably Morpheus) but then when we go back to Ethan Affleck he's suddenly IN THE MIDDLE OF A FOREST. Chasing bad-guy Gabriel Byrne, who has the most interesting character as the corrupt cop who isn't evil, just crooked, and still cares about his men and sees the killing of everyone inside the Precinct as an unfortunate but necessary act. Anyways, so Hawke is chasing Byrne THROUGH A FUCKING FOREST! Brain...hurting. We don't find out until the end of the movie, when the camera pans up and into the sky, that the forest is apparently a park, somewhere...on the edge of the city? Yeah, okay.
Also confusing is that about halfway through the siege, when things are sort of at a stalemate, Byrne keeps talking about how things will be better when "the heavy stuff" or something, gets there. So I'm expecting like, tanks, rocket launchers, something. Eventually a helicopter flies in, and I'm thinking "Oh nice! It's going to open fire and just destroy the place!" Copter flies over to the building annnnnnnnnnd.....drops some men on the roof. That's it. That was the big plan. Sorry Byrne, you may be a cool character in this and a badass criminal and Satan, but you're one hell of a bad military strategist.
Worst part of the movie? Ja Rule. But not only is it Ja Rule, which is already reason enough to hate this movie, his character talks in THIRD PERSON. As soon as he opens his mouth for the first time, you want him to die a horrible, messy death.
Best part of the movie? When Ja Rule gets shot in the back of the head.
The Day After Tomorrow was nowhere near the scale I thought it would be, as the trailers make it seem like a) a huge global catastrophe strikes, causing massive destruction and stuff for a really long time; and b) years later, after everything's destroyed, explorers or survivors arrive at the now-destroyed, frozen city. This would make a lot of sense from the title of the film, with the "Day After Tomorrow" part meaning sometime in the future. But no, there is no subtlety or prophetic nature to the title. It just means that the giant ice storm hits the planet on, from when the movie begins, the "day after tomorrow." LAME!! Let's just call all movies by complete literal interpretations! Sixth Sense? Sorry, you're now BRUCE WILLIS IS DEAD. Independence Day? Yeah you'll now be called ALIENS ATTACK, THEN EARTH WINS. (Which would also apply to Signs. God I hate that movie.) And Lost in Translation? Well, we'll just call you TWO PEOPLE DO NOTHING FOR TWO HOURS. And then give you awards. Stupid Hollywood.
Titular misinterpretation aside, the movie was okay. There is one of those scenes that rates a ten on the "WTF-o-meter" though, when Donnie Darko goes onto a frozen ship to get some medical supplies, and is attacked by wolves. Wolves! Okay, completely unnecessary Jurrassic Park-survival in a disaster movie, but whatev. However, these wolves are the FAKEST PIECES OF CRAP ever put onscreen in today's CG age. Seriously, these things look like they were designed by junior high students learning how to operate computers. Hell, the Resident Evil spaghetti dogs looked better.
Also, for a disaster movie there's not very much disaster. There is about five-ten minutes of panic and running away from the horrible flood/ice glacier stuff, and then...nothing. Sit. Talk. Walk around. Talk some more. Burn books. Talk. Fall asleep. Go board frozen yacht and get medicine while fending off articifial wolves. Wait some more. Just incredibly boring.
[posted by Rades at 9:18 AM] LINK ||
Particularly of note on the wretched garbage list are Blade: Trinity and Resident Evil: Apocalypse (colons in titles are bad, people), Assault on Precinct 13, and The Day After Tomorrow. The latter two weren't all bad per se, but had a few of those infuriating moments that were so confusing that it ruined the entire rest of the movie for you. This post will be about Precinct and Day After Tomorrow, and if I can muster up the patience and hateful rage, I'll write about Blade and Res Evil later.
In Precinct 13, Ethan Hawke (who I think looks like Ben Affleck with a stupid little goatee) is defending the police station in what appears to be downtown New York, from corrupt cops who want to kill Hawke's prisoner, mobster Laurence Fishburne, because Fishburne plans to expose them. And of course said bad cops are taking no prisoners. Eventually there's a showdown in the alley outside the building. We see Hawke blow some shit up, then we cut to someone else for a few seconds, (probably Morpheus) but then when we go back to Ethan Affleck he's suddenly IN THE MIDDLE OF A FOREST. Chasing bad-guy Gabriel Byrne, who has the most interesting character as the corrupt cop who isn't evil, just crooked, and still cares about his men and sees the killing of everyone inside the Precinct as an unfortunate but necessary act. Anyways, so Hawke is chasing Byrne THROUGH A FUCKING FOREST! Brain...hurting. We don't find out until the end of the movie, when the camera pans up and into the sky, that the forest is apparently a park, somewhere...on the edge of the city? Yeah, okay.
Also confusing is that about halfway through the siege, when things are sort of at a stalemate, Byrne keeps talking about how things will be better when "the heavy stuff" or something, gets there. So I'm expecting like, tanks, rocket launchers, something. Eventually a helicopter flies in, and I'm thinking "Oh nice! It's going to open fire and just destroy the place!" Copter flies over to the building annnnnnnnnnd.....drops some men on the roof. That's it. That was the big plan. Sorry Byrne, you may be a cool character in this and a badass criminal and Satan, but you're one hell of a bad military strategist.
Worst part of the movie? Ja Rule. But not only is it Ja Rule, which is already reason enough to hate this movie, his character talks in THIRD PERSON. As soon as he opens his mouth for the first time, you want him to die a horrible, messy death.
Best part of the movie? When Ja Rule gets shot in the back of the head.
The Day After Tomorrow was nowhere near the scale I thought it would be, as the trailers make it seem like a) a huge global catastrophe strikes, causing massive destruction and stuff for a really long time; and b) years later, after everything's destroyed, explorers or survivors arrive at the now-destroyed, frozen city. This would make a lot of sense from the title of the film, with the "Day After Tomorrow" part meaning sometime in the future. But no, there is no subtlety or prophetic nature to the title. It just means that the giant ice storm hits the planet on, from when the movie begins, the "day after tomorrow." LAME!! Let's just call all movies by complete literal interpretations! Sixth Sense? Sorry, you're now BRUCE WILLIS IS DEAD. Independence Day? Yeah you'll now be called ALIENS ATTACK, THEN EARTH WINS. (Which would also apply to Signs. God I hate that movie.) And Lost in Translation? Well, we'll just call you TWO PEOPLE DO NOTHING FOR TWO HOURS. And then give you awards. Stupid Hollywood.
Titular misinterpretation aside, the movie was okay. There is one of those scenes that rates a ten on the "WTF-o-meter" though, when Donnie Darko goes onto a frozen ship to get some medical supplies, and is attacked by wolves. Wolves! Okay, completely unnecessary Jurrassic Park-survival in a disaster movie, but whatev. However, these wolves are the FAKEST PIECES OF CRAP ever put onscreen in today's CG age. Seriously, these things look like they were designed by junior high students learning how to operate computers. Hell, the Resident Evil spaghetti dogs looked better.
Also, for a disaster movie there's not very much disaster. There is about five-ten minutes of panic and running away from the horrible flood/ice glacier stuff, and then...nothing. Sit. Talk. Walk around. Talk some more. Burn books. Talk. Fall asleep. Go board frozen yacht and get medicine while fending off articifial wolves. Wait some more. Just incredibly boring.
[posted by Rades at 9:18 AM] LINK ||
So Blink 182 has apparently disbanded, or quit, or are "taking a break," or whatever. My life remains largely unaffected, as they have been dead to me since their latest album. As I said at the time, it wasn't a bad album per se, but it definitely wasn't a BLINK 182 album. Sure, some people herald it as their "maturing" and they are so much better because of it. But I guarantee you if they hadn't had the Blink 182 name on the front, it wouldn't have gotten nearly as much acclaim as it has.
Don't agree with me? Okay, here is what it comes down to for me.
a) I liked old Blink. Everything old Blink was good. I was a huge Blink fan.
c) Take Off Your Pants and Jacket is released. I am disappointed.
b) Their latest, self-titled album is released. I find it completely non-Blnkish and listen to it twice, then lose it on an airplane, and don't miss it at all. End of story.
Anyways, I was browsing through the Blink 182 website forums and well, it's a good way to make yourself feel a lot smarter. Countless "fans" ie thirteen-year-old girls, rant about how Mark, or Tom, or Travis, are in love with them, and go into disturbingly stalkerish descriptions of their merry happy future lives together. Then you have the "insiders" who claim to know the inside scoop on what's going on with the band, when really they're just talking out of their ass. And then we have the so-called fans, who react with rage and rant about how Blink "betrayed them." Then they usually whine and quote "Adam's Song" in a pathetic attempt at suffering angst.
Example: some pathetic jess person writes: "GO 2 BLINK182PETITION.TK ITS THE ONLY HOPE WE HAVE LEFT!FOR A LOT OF US YOU ARE THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES US HAPPY!" Sad, really. Even worse when you keep reading and realize she posted that about TWENTY DIFFERENT TIMES!
The worst part about this is, from what I've gathered, the members are taking a hiatus to spend time with their families. And here we have their fans (most of whom had never heard of them before Enema of the State) moaning and wailing like they had just died or something.
So Blink 182 is done? Unfortunate, but as an old fan at least it is for good reasons. And I won't miss the music. I have the real Blink albums already.
[posted by Rades at 10:57 PM] LINK ||
Don't agree with me? Okay, here is what it comes down to for me.
a) I liked old Blink. Everything old Blink was good. I was a huge Blink fan.
c) Take Off Your Pants and Jacket is released. I am disappointed.
b) Their latest, self-titled album is released. I find it completely non-Blnkish and listen to it twice, then lose it on an airplane, and don't miss it at all. End of story.
Anyways, I was browsing through the Blink 182 website forums and well, it's a good way to make yourself feel a lot smarter. Countless "fans" ie thirteen-year-old girls, rant about how Mark, or Tom, or Travis, are in love with them, and go into disturbingly stalkerish descriptions of their merry happy future lives together. Then you have the "insiders" who claim to know the inside scoop on what's going on with the band, when really they're just talking out of their ass. And then we have the so-called fans, who react with rage and rant about how Blink "betrayed them." Then they usually whine and quote "Adam's Song" in a pathetic attempt at suffering angst.
Example: some pathetic jess person writes: "GO 2 BLINK182PETITION.TK ITS THE ONLY HOPE WE HAVE LEFT!FOR A LOT OF US YOU ARE THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES US HAPPY!" Sad, really. Even worse when you keep reading and realize she posted that about TWENTY DIFFERENT TIMES!
The worst part about this is, from what I've gathered, the members are taking a hiatus to spend time with their families. And here we have their fans (most of whom had never heard of them before Enema of the State) moaning and wailing like they had just died or something.
So Blink 182 is done? Unfortunate, but as an old fan at least it is for good reasons. And I won't miss the music. I have the real Blink albums already.
[posted by Rades at 10:57 PM] LINK ||
:: We can't stop here! This is bat country! ::
the above picture is from gonzo.org
Hunter S. Thompson died on Sunday. THIS MAKES ME SAD
[posted by Rades at 9:28 AM] LINK ||
the above picture is from gonzo.org
Hunter S. Thompson died on Sunday. THIS MAKES ME SAD
[posted by Rades at 9:28 AM] LINK ||
:: Communication ::
The following came to mind, and was subsequently orated to myself mentally on the walk to work this morning.
In this modern day and age, communication is an essential component of everyday life. Cell phones, email, the carrier pigeon. But perhaps most importantly of all is the newest member of the faction, that's right, musical lampposts. You've heard of them, right? The ones that play music when a car is approaching too close to its sacred boundaries? To prevent car accidents. One of the most brilliant and innovative creations of this millennium!
It's even beneficial in the rare occasion that it might fail to stop an accident. For then, when the giant metal pole crushes your Toyota's tinfoil/aluminum roof into your skull and you lay there pinned and helpless , you will be serenaded with the gentle twinking of "Sweet Caroline" in the final agonizing moments before the sweet embrace of death.
Just think. If they had had musical lampposts back when you were a kid, maybe you wouldn't have completely smoked that post during your driving test when you were 16. And maybe you would have gotten a license, gone to college, gotten a job, and lived a somewhat productive life instead of deteriorating into the one-legged crack fiend that you are today. MERRY CHRISTMAS!
[posted by Rades at 7:57 AM] LINK ||
The following came to mind, and was subsequently orated to myself mentally on the walk to work this morning.
In this modern day and age, communication is an essential component of everyday life. Cell phones, email, the carrier pigeon. But perhaps most importantly of all is the newest member of the faction, that's right, musical lampposts. You've heard of them, right? The ones that play music when a car is approaching too close to its sacred boundaries? To prevent car accidents. One of the most brilliant and innovative creations of this millennium!
It's even beneficial in the rare occasion that it might fail to stop an accident. For then, when the giant metal pole crushes your Toyota's tinfoil/aluminum roof into your skull and you lay there pinned and helpless , you will be serenaded with the gentle twinking of "Sweet Caroline" in the final agonizing moments before the sweet embrace of death.
Just think. If they had had musical lampposts back when you were a kid, maybe you wouldn't have completely smoked that post during your driving test when you were 16. And maybe you would have gotten a license, gone to college, gotten a job, and lived a somewhat productive life instead of deteriorating into the one-legged crack fiend that you are today. MERRY CHRISTMAS!
[posted by Rades at 7:57 AM] LINK ||
:: Valentine's Day Quote ::
"Don't pick door number two, Monty! It's time to play End Of The Line, My Valentine. Ger-ronny-do-ron-ronny-mooooooeeee!!!"
Identify the quote! Birch, San, I'm looking in your directions. Also, Nick dissuaded me from posting some of the pictures I was going to originally put up for the last entry's links, as they were far too disturbing and potentially emotionally scarring.
Speaking of that crazy Egyptian, the Nick-o-rama himself gave me a verbal drubbing (okay not really) about how I haven't posted actual posts in a while, just random crazy stuff or random crazy shaun. So, after mailing off a parcel of cyanide and anthrax to Nick's dwelling, Ifell asleep thought of things I could write about.
I came to the conclusion that this blog, at least for the time being, will not be like the previous one, quite simply because there's not insane parties/mishaps/events going on, on what seemed like an hourly basis. If you're expecting that then you will be disappointed.
What I am going to try to start doing, however, is writing editorial-like entries about various things that cross my mind, things that I always think I should write about but never actually do. A large quantity of these things will be about games, or movies, or some kind of internet-related news/trend. That being said, they probably won't interest anyone but me. But hey, even if you're completely ignorant about whatever it is I'm raving about (see January 27th's "The Corpse Bride" entry for a likely example) maybe eating up what i'm spitting out will prove beneficial, informative, or at least help you waste five minutes of your day.
[posted by Rades at 11:45 AM] LINK ||
"Don't pick door number two, Monty! It's time to play End Of The Line, My Valentine. Ger-ronny-do-ron-ronny-mooooooeeee!!!"
Identify the quote! Birch, San, I'm looking in your directions. Also, Nick dissuaded me from posting some of the pictures I was going to originally put up for the last entry's links, as they were far too disturbing and potentially emotionally scarring.
Speaking of that crazy Egyptian, the Nick-o-rama himself gave me a verbal drubbing (okay not really) about how I haven't posted actual posts in a while, just random crazy stuff or random crazy shaun. So, after mailing off a parcel of cyanide and anthrax to Nick's dwelling, I
I came to the conclusion that this blog, at least for the time being, will not be like the previous one, quite simply because there's not insane parties/mishaps/events going on, on what seemed like an hourly basis. If you're expecting that then you will be disappointed.
What I am going to try to start doing, however, is writing editorial-like entries about various things that cross my mind, things that I always think I should write about but never actually do. A large quantity of these things will be about games, or movies, or some kind of internet-related news/trend. That being said, they probably won't interest anyone but me. But hey, even if you're completely ignorant about whatever it is I'm raving about (see January 27th's "The Corpse Bride" entry for a likely example) maybe eating up what i'm spitting out will prove beneficial, informative, or at least help you waste five minutes of your day.
[posted by Rades at 11:45 AM] LINK ||
I bring to you today no witty post or horrifying pictures of Shaun, but instead this special Daily Deco breaking news story.
TELUS BUYS LOWER MAINLAND, RENAMES FUCKING EVERYTHING
click on picture for larger version
Area now consists of TELUSCouver, TELUSurrey, TELUrnaby
BY CARLTON FORMAN
In yet another horrifying display of corporate infection, communications supercompany/Whore of Satan TELUS has agreed to "sponsor" the entire B.C. lower mainland, with the condition that everything bear its disgusting name.
This marks the 94rd such "sponsorship" by the crazed corporation since October 2004, when TELUS financed and renamed Science World into the wretched "TELUSphere." Since then, we have witnessed the birth of the TELUSucky Cheese, The Vancouver TELUSanucks, and most recently, the TELUSuper Bowl.
Enraged lower mainland residents said they are not really surprised. TELUSPenticton construction worker Gary Melange said that things haven't been the same since the creation of the horrible TELUSphere. Following the renaming, the various scientific displays and dinosaur models were removed and replaced with internet demographic charts, cellular phone models and video collections of every single annoying dancing-animal commercial TELUS has ever aired.
At the time of the announcement, then-Science World CEO Bill Bullis said that the deal would be beneficial for both Science World and TELUS.
"By selling out, we have ensured the financial survival of the facility, although with the unfortunate side effect of completely alienating our customers," said Bullis.
"But no matter! We will be here for at least the next 15 years, and this deal with our friends at TELUS ensures that they will be right there with us, continuing to fuck us up the ass!"
Bullis committed suicide four days later.
"The thing used to be so nice, so full of memories," said Melange, referring to the TELUSphere's previous dignified glass, silver and metal appearance. "But now it's just a giant fucking billboard for TELUS and their latest cell phone, internet connection, or stupid dancing animals."
TELUS declined to respond to Melange's comments, instead buying his house and children and shipping them off to Brazil.
"I don't see why everyone hates TELUS so much," said Brent Learing, rubbing the labels on his brand new TELUS sweater. "I mean, they have good music in their commercials. And...cute things.
"In fact, I just signed up for their All-new-hot-bonus-cool-super-saver Long-distance Plan! Now I can talk once a day and it only costs me a litre of blood per minute! Thanks Telus!"
TELUSLangley resident Geoff Mucholz recalled a time when TELUS didn't control everything. "There were those other companies, some for internet, some for phones...Shaw, Rogers, Fido...they all kept The Big Green Monster in check," said the 31-year-old, who, like 99 per cent of the rest of the population, works at one of the many TELUS sweatshops.
"It's too bad they were all forced to quit after T-DAY, when TELUS bought 100% of the province's electricity and energy rights."
Since then, there have been approximately 15,284 major power shortages that occurred suddenly and without warning, with the only explanation by TELUS being a pre-recorded phone message saying "Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line, and the next available representative will be with you shortly."
Although furious, lower mainland residents are for the most part afraid to speak out against their tyrannical internet overlords. "More than anything else, the TELUSphere was the start...the start of the TELUSfear," said Mucholz. He added that people "probably should have seen it coming" when TELUS changed their slogan from "The future is friendly" to "The future is TELUS!!"
[posted by Rades at 8:45 PM] LINK ||
TELUS BUYS LOWER MAINLAND, RENAMES FUCKING EVERYTHING
click on picture for larger version
Area now consists of TELUSCouver, TELUSurrey, TELUrnaby
BY CARLTON FORMAN
In yet another horrifying display of corporate infection, communications supercompany/Whore of Satan TELUS has agreed to "sponsor" the entire B.C. lower mainland, with the condition that everything bear its disgusting name.
This marks the 94rd such "sponsorship" by the crazed corporation since October 2004, when TELUS financed and renamed Science World into the wretched "TELUSphere." Since then, we have witnessed the birth of the TELUSucky Cheese, The Vancouver TELUSanucks, and most recently, the TELUSuper Bowl.
Enraged lower mainland residents said they are not really surprised. TELUSPenticton construction worker Gary Melange said that things haven't been the same since the creation of the horrible TELUSphere. Following the renaming, the various scientific displays and dinosaur models were removed and replaced with internet demographic charts, cellular phone models and video collections of every single annoying dancing-animal commercial TELUS has ever aired.
At the time of the announcement, then-Science World CEO Bill Bullis said that the deal would be beneficial for both Science World and TELUS.
"By selling out, we have ensured the financial survival of the facility, although with the unfortunate side effect of completely alienating our customers," said Bullis.
"But no matter! We will be here for at least the next 15 years, and this deal with our friends at TELUS ensures that they will be right there with us, continuing to fuck us up the ass!"
Bullis committed suicide four days later.
"The thing used to be so nice, so full of memories," said Melange, referring to the TELUSphere's previous dignified glass, silver and metal appearance. "But now it's just a giant fucking billboard for TELUS and their latest cell phone, internet connection, or stupid dancing animals."
TELUS declined to respond to Melange's comments, instead buying his house and children and shipping them off to Brazil.
"I don't see why everyone hates TELUS so much," said Brent Learing, rubbing the labels on his brand new TELUS sweater. "I mean, they have good music in their commercials. And...cute things.
"In fact, I just signed up for their All-new-hot-bonus-cool-super-saver Long-distance Plan! Now I can talk once a day and it only costs me a litre of blood per minute! Thanks Telus!"
TELUSLangley resident Geoff Mucholz recalled a time when TELUS didn't control everything. "There were those other companies, some for internet, some for phones...Shaw, Rogers, Fido...they all kept The Big Green Monster in check," said the 31-year-old, who, like 99 per cent of the rest of the population, works at one of the many TELUS sweatshops.
"It's too bad they were all forced to quit after T-DAY, when TELUS bought 100% of the province's electricity and energy rights."
Since then, there have been approximately 15,284 major power shortages that occurred suddenly and without warning, with the only explanation by TELUS being a pre-recorded phone message saying "Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line, and the next available representative will be with you shortly."
Although furious, lower mainland residents are for the most part afraid to speak out against their tyrannical internet overlords. "More than anything else, the TELUSphere was the start...the start of the TELUSfear," said Mucholz. He added that people "probably should have seen it coming" when TELUS changed their slogan from "The future is friendly" to "The future is TELUS!!"
[posted by Rades at 8:45 PM] LINK ||
:: Tips for aspiring Journalists ::
I present to you today some helpful tips for people who wish to become members of a small community newspaper, as learned by me through various experiences that have arisen at work.
TIP #1: PORN
Do not use your work email, say, editor@smallnewspaper.com, for pornography. Furthermore, do not SIGN UP said email for porn subscriptions. ESPECIALLY if you are a) new to the job; and b) just here on a 13-week trial and may not be here permanently! Nothing says "Welcome to the job!" to the new editor (after you have been canned for shoddy work) like reams of porno in the inbox.
TIP #2: CHECK YOURSELF BEFORE YOU WRECK YOURSELF
If you're the columnist for a community, you represent the entire community. Additionally, if you are a dirty old man who is also a tremendously pathetic alcoholic, and you stink, limit your visits to the office to only when completely necessary, as you make the staff nauseus and want to vomit. Also, try to write your column when not completely wasted, as helpful things like coherent sentences and logical thought may then result.
Topics for appropriate community coverage include local events, important community news, or belated birth announcements. Inappropriate topics include devoting an entire column to the shiny new fire truck, talking about how you woke up in another city with no idea how you got there, or describing how you took your car into the city and "picked up some fine ladies."
TIP #3: DON'T BE ALL BITTER, YO
So you got yourself fired. Probably all that porn email. Well, fast-forward a few years, your old paper's gone through a few staff members and stuff, and well, seems you're still bitter! It's alright to offer constructive criticism on the stories that are now in the paper, it's even natural to do so. And it's only natural that you're a bit over-critical, seeing as how you still hate them with a mighty fury. However, it's not a good idea to go into the office and complain about how crappy the paper is and how you did a much better job....when a) you were fired for lousy work; b) you now pump gas for a living; c) you're drunk.
It's also not a good idea to complain how an event always gets horrible, inaccurate coverage...when you were the only person to have ever covered said event. It makes you look, well, kind of retarded.
TIP #4: DON'T LAUGH
Despite how it seems, the ad client who comes in requesting a classifieds ad stating that he is "a romantic volcano waiting to erupt" may be completely serious. Refrain from laughing until after the schmuck has left the office. If said schmuck is also the community columnist, laugh even harder.
TIP #5: DON'T OPEN THE MAIL
Who knows? That crazy person who's been threatening to coat the paper's mail with Anthrax might one day decide he's serious.
TIP #6: DON'T FEED THE ANIMALS
If you discover you have some stray cats that hang around the office, refrain from feeding them. If you do feed them, please refrain from building them little pet homes that shelter them from the cold. If you do feed them, and do build them little pet homes, please get them spayed or neutered so you are soon not dealing with a swarm of cats. If you do feed them, and do build them little pet homes, and do end up with a swarm of cats, please do not get pregnant. Because it's when you're on maternity leave and away, that all the neighbouring businesses decide to complain about the cat poop they're finding everywhere, and someone else has to deal with this giant nest of cats living out back.
[posted by Rades at 10:34 AM] LINK ||
I present to you today some helpful tips for people who wish to become members of a small community newspaper, as learned by me through various experiences that have arisen at work.
TIP #1: PORN
Do not use your work email, say, editor@smallnewspaper.com, for pornography. Furthermore, do not SIGN UP said email for porn subscriptions. ESPECIALLY if you are a) new to the job; and b) just here on a 13-week trial and may not be here permanently! Nothing says "Welcome to the job!" to the new editor (after you have been canned for shoddy work) like reams of porno in the inbox.
TIP #2: CHECK YOURSELF BEFORE YOU WRECK YOURSELF
If you're the columnist for a community, you represent the entire community. Additionally, if you are a dirty old man who is also a tremendously pathetic alcoholic, and you stink, limit your visits to the office to only when completely necessary, as you make the staff nauseus and want to vomit. Also, try to write your column when not completely wasted, as helpful things like coherent sentences and logical thought may then result.
Topics for appropriate community coverage include local events, important community news, or belated birth announcements. Inappropriate topics include devoting an entire column to the shiny new fire truck, talking about how you woke up in another city with no idea how you got there, or describing how you took your car into the city and "picked up some fine ladies."
TIP #3: DON'T BE ALL BITTER, YO
So you got yourself fired. Probably all that porn email. Well, fast-forward a few years, your old paper's gone through a few staff members and stuff, and well, seems you're still bitter! It's alright to offer constructive criticism on the stories that are now in the paper, it's even natural to do so. And it's only natural that you're a bit over-critical, seeing as how you still hate them with a mighty fury. However, it's not a good idea to go into the office and complain about how crappy the paper is and how you did a much better job....when a) you were fired for lousy work; b) you now pump gas for a living; c) you're drunk.
It's also not a good idea to complain how an event always gets horrible, inaccurate coverage...when you were the only person to have ever covered said event. It makes you look, well, kind of retarded.
TIP #4: DON'T LAUGH
Despite how it seems, the ad client who comes in requesting a classifieds ad stating that he is "a romantic volcano waiting to erupt" may be completely serious. Refrain from laughing until after the schmuck has left the office. If said schmuck is also the community columnist, laugh even harder.
TIP #5: DON'T OPEN THE MAIL
Who knows? That crazy person who's been threatening to coat the paper's mail with Anthrax might one day decide he's serious.
TIP #6: DON'T FEED THE ANIMALS
If you discover you have some stray cats that hang around the office, refrain from feeding them. If you do feed them, please refrain from building them little pet homes that shelter them from the cold. If you do feed them, and do build them little pet homes, please get them spayed or neutered so you are soon not dealing with a swarm of cats. If you do feed them, and do build them little pet homes, and do end up with a swarm of cats, please do not get pregnant. Because it's when you're on maternity leave and away, that all the neighbouring businesses decide to complain about the cat poop they're finding everywhere, and someone else has to deal with this giant nest of cats living out back.
[posted by Rades at 10:34 AM] LINK ||
:: Swarm of Shaun ::
cont. from previous posts
We knew we were onto something here. It wasn't long before the streets of Calgary were being overrun by hordes of Shauns running rampant and wild. At first it was all fun and games and innocent petty larceny, but the Shauns got out of control and starting ripping out lampposts, overturning obese men and screaming at the top their lungs.
Soon the streets were empty as hapless Calgarians hid away from the horrible Shaun-anarchy. And the Shauns frolicked and enjoyed their total control of the city.
click on picture for larger version where you can pan around the street and look at the many shauns
[posted by Rades at 11:58 PM] LINK ||
cont. from previous posts
We knew we were onto something here. It wasn't long before the streets of Calgary were being overrun by hordes of Shauns running rampant and wild. At first it was all fun and games and innocent petty larceny, but the Shauns got out of control and starting ripping out lampposts, overturning obese men and screaming at the top their lungs.
Soon the streets were empty as hapless Calgarians hid away from the horrible Shaun-anarchy. And the Shauns frolicked and enjoyed their total control of the city.
click on picture for larger version where you can pan around the street and look at the many shauns
[posted by Rades at 11:58 PM] LINK ||
:: Transmogrify! ::
cont. from previous post
After visiting/freaking out Shaun's aunt, and robbing four convenience stores, we decided to experiment with the mystery stone and see if we could figure out how it worked, or how to trigger it on command. After a short series of mishaps, we finally figured out how to mentally activate the stone's cloning powers. Said Shaun, "WE ARE MAYHEM!"
click on picture for larger version
[posted by Rades at 11:41 PM] LINK ||
cont. from previous post
After visiting/freaking out Shaun's aunt, and robbing four convenience stores, we decided to experiment with the mystery stone and see if we could figure out how it worked, or how to trigger it on command. After a short series of mishaps, we finally figured out how to mentally activate the stone's cloning powers. Said Shaun, "WE ARE MAYHEM!"
click on picture for larger version
[posted by Rades at 11:41 PM] LINK ||