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I've watched some pretty damn awful movies since moving out here, mostly in theaters but a few as rentals, a notable fact since there is no theater here. This means that a good two hours of time on weekend visits are wasted on these cinematic nightmares, where instead I might have done something more productive, like jumped off bridges or bludgeoned myself to death with large stones.
Particularly of note on the wretched garbage list are Blade: Trinity and Resident Evil: Apocalypse (colons in titles are bad, people), Assault on Precinct 13, and The Day After Tomorrow. The latter two weren't all bad per se, but had a few of those infuriating moments that were so confusing that it ruined the entire rest of the movie for you. This post will be about Precinct and Day After Tomorrow, and if I can muster up the patience and hateful rage, I'll write about Blade and Res Evil later.
In Precinct 13, Ethan Hawke (who I think looks like Ben Affleck with a stupid little goatee) is defending the police station in what appears to be downtown New York, from corrupt cops who want to kill Hawke's prisoner, mobster Laurence Fishburne, because Fishburne plans to expose them. And of course said bad cops are taking no prisoners. Eventually there's a showdown in the alley outside the building. We see Hawke blow some shit up, then we cut to someone else for a few seconds, (probably Morpheus) but then when we go back to Ethan Affleck he's suddenly IN THE MIDDLE OF A FOREST. Chasing bad-guy Gabriel Byrne, who has the most interesting character as the corrupt cop who isn't evil, just crooked, and still cares about his men and sees the killing of everyone inside the Precinct as an unfortunate but necessary act. Anyways, so Hawke is chasing Byrne THROUGH A FUCKING FOREST! Brain...hurting. We don't find out until the end of the movie, when the camera pans up and into the sky, that the forest is apparently a park, somewhere...on the edge of the city? Yeah, okay.
Also confusing is that about halfway through the siege, when things are sort of at a stalemate, Byrne keeps talking about how things will be better when "the heavy stuff" or something, gets there. So I'm expecting like, tanks, rocket launchers, something. Eventually a helicopter flies in, and I'm thinking "Oh nice! It's going to open fire and just destroy the place!" Copter flies over to the building annnnnnnnnnd.....drops some men on the roof. That's it. That was the big plan. Sorry Byrne, you may be a cool character in this and a badass criminal and Satan, but you're one hell of a bad military strategist.
Worst part of the movie? Ja Rule. But not only is it Ja Rule, which is already reason enough to hate this movie, his character talks in THIRD PERSON. As soon as he opens his mouth for the first time, you want him to die a horrible, messy death.
Best part of the movie? When Ja Rule gets shot in the back of the head.
The Day After Tomorrow was nowhere near the scale I thought it would be, as the trailers make it seem like a) a huge global catastrophe strikes, causing massive destruction and stuff for a really long time; and b) years later, after everything's destroyed, explorers or survivors arrive at the now-destroyed, frozen city. This would make a lot of sense from the title of the film, with the "Day After Tomorrow" part meaning sometime in the future. But no, there is no subtlety or prophetic nature to the title. It just means that the giant ice storm hits the planet on, from when the movie begins, the "day after tomorrow." LAME!! Let's just call all movies by complete literal interpretations! Sixth Sense? Sorry, you're now BRUCE WILLIS IS DEAD. Independence Day? Yeah you'll now be called ALIENS ATTACK, THEN EARTH WINS. (Which would also apply to Signs. God I hate that movie.) And Lost in Translation? Well, we'll just call you TWO PEOPLE DO NOTHING FOR TWO HOURS. And then give you awards. Stupid Hollywood.
Titular misinterpretation aside, the movie was okay. There is one of those scenes that rates a ten on the "WTF-o-meter" though, when Donnie Darko goes onto a frozen ship to get some medical supplies, and is attacked by wolves. Wolves! Okay, completely unnecessary Jurrassic Park-survival in a disaster movie, but whatev. However, these wolves are the FAKEST PIECES OF CRAP ever put onscreen in today's CG age. Seriously, these things look like they were designed by junior high students learning how to operate computers. Hell, the Resident Evil spaghetti dogs looked better.
Also, for a disaster movie there's not very much disaster. There is about five-ten minutes of panic and running away from the horrible flood/ice glacier stuff, and then...nothing. Sit. Talk. Walk around. Talk some more. Burn books. Talk. Fall asleep. Go board frozen yacht and get medicine while fending off articifial wolves. Wait some more. Just incredibly boring.
[posted by Rades at 9:18 AM] LINK ||
Particularly of note on the wretched garbage list are Blade: Trinity and Resident Evil: Apocalypse (colons in titles are bad, people), Assault on Precinct 13, and The Day After Tomorrow. The latter two weren't all bad per se, but had a few of those infuriating moments that were so confusing that it ruined the entire rest of the movie for you. This post will be about Precinct and Day After Tomorrow, and if I can muster up the patience and hateful rage, I'll write about Blade and Res Evil later.
In Precinct 13, Ethan Hawke (who I think looks like Ben Affleck with a stupid little goatee) is defending the police station in what appears to be downtown New York, from corrupt cops who want to kill Hawke's prisoner, mobster Laurence Fishburne, because Fishburne plans to expose them. And of course said bad cops are taking no prisoners. Eventually there's a showdown in the alley outside the building. We see Hawke blow some shit up, then we cut to someone else for a few seconds, (probably Morpheus) but then when we go back to Ethan Affleck he's suddenly IN THE MIDDLE OF A FOREST. Chasing bad-guy Gabriel Byrne, who has the most interesting character as the corrupt cop who isn't evil, just crooked, and still cares about his men and sees the killing of everyone inside the Precinct as an unfortunate but necessary act. Anyways, so Hawke is chasing Byrne THROUGH A FUCKING FOREST! Brain...hurting. We don't find out until the end of the movie, when the camera pans up and into the sky, that the forest is apparently a park, somewhere...on the edge of the city? Yeah, okay.
Also confusing is that about halfway through the siege, when things are sort of at a stalemate, Byrne keeps talking about how things will be better when "the heavy stuff" or something, gets there. So I'm expecting like, tanks, rocket launchers, something. Eventually a helicopter flies in, and I'm thinking "Oh nice! It's going to open fire and just destroy the place!" Copter flies over to the building annnnnnnnnnd.....drops some men on the roof. That's it. That was the big plan. Sorry Byrne, you may be a cool character in this and a badass criminal and Satan, but you're one hell of a bad military strategist.
Worst part of the movie? Ja Rule. But not only is it Ja Rule, which is already reason enough to hate this movie, his character talks in THIRD PERSON. As soon as he opens his mouth for the first time, you want him to die a horrible, messy death.
Best part of the movie? When Ja Rule gets shot in the back of the head.
The Day After Tomorrow was nowhere near the scale I thought it would be, as the trailers make it seem like a) a huge global catastrophe strikes, causing massive destruction and stuff for a really long time; and b) years later, after everything's destroyed, explorers or survivors arrive at the now-destroyed, frozen city. This would make a lot of sense from the title of the film, with the "Day After Tomorrow" part meaning sometime in the future. But no, there is no subtlety or prophetic nature to the title. It just means that the giant ice storm hits the planet on, from when the movie begins, the "day after tomorrow." LAME!! Let's just call all movies by complete literal interpretations! Sixth Sense? Sorry, you're now BRUCE WILLIS IS DEAD. Independence Day? Yeah you'll now be called ALIENS ATTACK, THEN EARTH WINS. (Which would also apply to Signs. God I hate that movie.) And Lost in Translation? Well, we'll just call you TWO PEOPLE DO NOTHING FOR TWO HOURS. And then give you awards. Stupid Hollywood.
Titular misinterpretation aside, the movie was okay. There is one of those scenes that rates a ten on the "WTF-o-meter" though, when Donnie Darko goes onto a frozen ship to get some medical supplies, and is attacked by wolves. Wolves! Okay, completely unnecessary Jurrassic Park-survival in a disaster movie, but whatev. However, these wolves are the FAKEST PIECES OF CRAP ever put onscreen in today's CG age. Seriously, these things look like they were designed by junior high students learning how to operate computers. Hell, the Resident Evil spaghetti dogs looked better.
Also, for a disaster movie there's not very much disaster. There is about five-ten minutes of panic and running away from the horrible flood/ice glacier stuff, and then...nothing. Sit. Talk. Walk around. Talk some more. Burn books. Talk. Fall asleep. Go board frozen yacht and get medicine while fending off articifial wolves. Wait some more. Just incredibly boring.
[posted by Rades at 9:18 AM] LINK ||