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rhino vs hippo
I bring to you today no witty post or horrifying pictures of Shaun, but instead this special Daily Deco breaking news story.
TELUS BUYS LOWER MAINLAND, RENAMES FUCKING EVERYTHING
click on picture for larger version
Area now consists of TELUSCouver, TELUSurrey, TELUrnaby
BY CARLTON FORMAN
In yet another horrifying display of corporate infection, communications supercompany/Whore of Satan TELUS has agreed to "sponsor" the entire B.C. lower mainland, with the condition that everything bear its disgusting name.
This marks the 94rd such "sponsorship" by the crazed corporation since October 2004, when TELUS financed and renamed Science World into the wretched "TELUSphere." Since then, we have witnessed the birth of the TELUSucky Cheese, The Vancouver TELUSanucks, and most recently, the TELUSuper Bowl.
Enraged lower mainland residents said they are not really surprised. TELUSPenticton construction worker Gary Melange said that things haven't been the same since the creation of the horrible TELUSphere. Following the renaming, the various scientific displays and dinosaur models were removed and replaced with internet demographic charts, cellular phone models and video collections of every single annoying dancing-animal commercial TELUS has ever aired.
At the time of the announcement, then-Science World CEO Bill Bullis said that the deal would be beneficial for both Science World and TELUS.
"By selling out, we have ensured the financial survival of the facility, although with the unfortunate side effect of completely alienating our customers," said Bullis.
"But no matter! We will be here for at least the next 15 years, and this deal with our friends at TELUS ensures that they will be right there with us, continuing to fuck us up the ass!"
Bullis committed suicide four days later.
"The thing used to be so nice, so full of memories," said Melange, referring to the TELUSphere's previous dignified glass, silver and metal appearance. "But now it's just a giant fucking billboard for TELUS and their latest cell phone, internet connection, or stupid dancing animals."
TELUS declined to respond to Melange's comments, instead buying his house and children and shipping them off to Brazil.
"I don't see why everyone hates TELUS so much," said Brent Learing, rubbing the labels on his brand new TELUS sweater. "I mean, they have good music in their commercials. And...cute things.
"In fact, I just signed up for their All-new-hot-bonus-cool-super-saver Long-distance Plan! Now I can talk once a day and it only costs me a litre of blood per minute! Thanks Telus!"
TELUSLangley resident Geoff Mucholz recalled a time when TELUS didn't control everything. "There were those other companies, some for internet, some for phones...Shaw, Rogers, Fido...they all kept The Big Green Monster in check," said the 31-year-old, who, like 99 per cent of the rest of the population, works at one of the many TELUS sweatshops.
"It's too bad they were all forced to quit after T-DAY, when TELUS bought 100% of the province's electricity and energy rights."
Since then, there have been approximately 15,284 major power shortages that occurred suddenly and without warning, with the only explanation by TELUS being a pre-recorded phone message saying "Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line, and the next available representative will be with you shortly."
Although furious, lower mainland residents are for the most part afraid to speak out against their tyrannical internet overlords. "More than anything else, the TELUSphere was the start...the start of the TELUSfear," said Mucholz. He added that people "probably should have seen it coming" when TELUS changed their slogan from "The future is friendly" to "The future is TELUS!!"
[posted by Rades at 8:45 PM] LINK ||
TELUS BUYS LOWER MAINLAND, RENAMES FUCKING EVERYTHING
click on picture for larger version
Area now consists of TELUSCouver, TELUSurrey, TELUrnaby
BY CARLTON FORMAN
In yet another horrifying display of corporate infection, communications supercompany/Whore of Satan TELUS has agreed to "sponsor" the entire B.C. lower mainland, with the condition that everything bear its disgusting name.
This marks the 94rd such "sponsorship" by the crazed corporation since October 2004, when TELUS financed and renamed Science World into the wretched "TELUSphere." Since then, we have witnessed the birth of the TELUSucky Cheese, The Vancouver TELUSanucks, and most recently, the TELUSuper Bowl.
Enraged lower mainland residents said they are not really surprised. TELUSPenticton construction worker Gary Melange said that things haven't been the same since the creation of the horrible TELUSphere. Following the renaming, the various scientific displays and dinosaur models were removed and replaced with internet demographic charts, cellular phone models and video collections of every single annoying dancing-animal commercial TELUS has ever aired.
At the time of the announcement, then-Science World CEO Bill Bullis said that the deal would be beneficial for both Science World and TELUS.
"By selling out, we have ensured the financial survival of the facility, although with the unfortunate side effect of completely alienating our customers," said Bullis.
"But no matter! We will be here for at least the next 15 years, and this deal with our friends at TELUS ensures that they will be right there with us, continuing to fuck us up the ass!"
Bullis committed suicide four days later.
"The thing used to be so nice, so full of memories," said Melange, referring to the TELUSphere's previous dignified glass, silver and metal appearance. "But now it's just a giant fucking billboard for TELUS and their latest cell phone, internet connection, or stupid dancing animals."
TELUS declined to respond to Melange's comments, instead buying his house and children and shipping them off to Brazil.
"I don't see why everyone hates TELUS so much," said Brent Learing, rubbing the labels on his brand new TELUS sweater. "I mean, they have good music in their commercials. And...cute things.
"In fact, I just signed up for their All-new-hot-bonus-cool-super-saver Long-distance Plan! Now I can talk once a day and it only costs me a litre of blood per minute! Thanks Telus!"
TELUSLangley resident Geoff Mucholz recalled a time when TELUS didn't control everything. "There were those other companies, some for internet, some for phones...Shaw, Rogers, Fido...they all kept The Big Green Monster in check," said the 31-year-old, who, like 99 per cent of the rest of the population, works at one of the many TELUS sweatshops.
"It's too bad they were all forced to quit after T-DAY, when TELUS bought 100% of the province's electricity and energy rights."
Since then, there have been approximately 15,284 major power shortages that occurred suddenly and without warning, with the only explanation by TELUS being a pre-recorded phone message saying "Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line, and the next available representative will be with you shortly."
Although furious, lower mainland residents are for the most part afraid to speak out against their tyrannical internet overlords. "More than anything else, the TELUSphere was the start...the start of the TELUSfear," said Mucholz. He added that people "probably should have seen it coming" when TELUS changed their slogan from "The future is friendly" to "The future is TELUS!!"
[posted by Rades at 8:45 PM] LINK ||