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DELICIOUS RAMPAGE CAUSES IRRE-PEAR-ABLE DAMAGE
BY CARLTON FORMAN
(LANGLEY) - Fifteen people were injured Monday after a crazed motorist began hurling pears out of his car while speeding down the road. The deranged driver, Nick Greenizan of Walnut Grove, was covered in pear juice and was raving about how he had 60 lbs. of the ripening fruit sitting in the seat next to him.
“I'm feeling anger with a side order of hostility!" he yelled as he swerved through a busy intersection, throwing the nutritious projectiles wildly.
At one point during the four-hour rampage, Greenizan parked his car atop a freeway overpass, and bombarded vehicles passing underneath while screaming “DEATH FROM ABOVE!”
Area resident Sue Fowler said she was making dinner when someone knocked at her door, yelling “Police! Open up!”
“I went and opened the door, and there was a strange man standing there with drool or snot or something all over his face,” said Fowler later. “I asked him, ‘Are you with the police?’ and he said ‘No, I’m with the grocery store!’ and the next thing I knew I was lying on the floor being pummeled with fruit.” Fowler suffered numerous non-lethal injuries from the brazen produce assault.
Witnesses say Greenizan’s rage was triggered by the noise a crosswalk makes for blind pedestrians. According to RCMP reports, one minute he was parked at an intersection waiting for the red light, the next he was tearing his hair out and yelling ‘WHY DOES IT KEEP BEEPING?!’
RCMP eventually cornered Greenizan in a strip mall parking lot, where the babbling sports journalist pointed at a figure in his backseat and claimed it was a valuable hostage. At this point, Greenizan had stripped down to his boxers and was calling himself “Captain Ham.” RCMP fired warning shots into the air and demanded he surrender, but Greenizan simply shouted back “I am Croaker! I am 100 feet tall! Your puny weapons cannot harm my mighty body!” Moments later, RCMP snipers shot Greenizan nine times and killed him. This baffling incident grew even stranger when officers discovered that Greenizan’s hostage was actually a life-size cardboard cutout of William Shatner.
Greenizan’s friends did not seem surprised when they heard of his demise. “Just another manic Monday,” said office receptionist/pole dancer Melissa White.
[posted by Rades at 10:12 PM] LINK ||
BY CARLTON FORMAN
(LANGLEY) - Fifteen people were injured Monday after a crazed motorist began hurling pears out of his car while speeding down the road. The deranged driver, Nick Greenizan of Walnut Grove, was covered in pear juice and was raving about how he had 60 lbs. of the ripening fruit sitting in the seat next to him.
“I'm feeling anger with a side order of hostility!" he yelled as he swerved through a busy intersection, throwing the nutritious projectiles wildly.
At one point during the four-hour rampage, Greenizan parked his car atop a freeway overpass, and bombarded vehicles passing underneath while screaming “DEATH FROM ABOVE!”
Area resident Sue Fowler said she was making dinner when someone knocked at her door, yelling “Police! Open up!”
“I went and opened the door, and there was a strange man standing there with drool or snot or something all over his face,” said Fowler later. “I asked him, ‘Are you with the police?’ and he said ‘No, I’m with the grocery store!’ and the next thing I knew I was lying on the floor being pummeled with fruit.” Fowler suffered numerous non-lethal injuries from the brazen produce assault.
Witnesses say Greenizan’s rage was triggered by the noise a crosswalk makes for blind pedestrians. According to RCMP reports, one minute he was parked at an intersection waiting for the red light, the next he was tearing his hair out and yelling ‘WHY DOES IT KEEP BEEPING?!’
RCMP eventually cornered Greenizan in a strip mall parking lot, where the babbling sports journalist pointed at a figure in his backseat and claimed it was a valuable hostage. At this point, Greenizan had stripped down to his boxers and was calling himself “Captain Ham.” RCMP fired warning shots into the air and demanded he surrender, but Greenizan simply shouted back “I am Croaker! I am 100 feet tall! Your puny weapons cannot harm my mighty body!” Moments later, RCMP snipers shot Greenizan nine times and killed him. This baffling incident grew even stranger when officers discovered that Greenizan’s hostage was actually a life-size cardboard cutout of William Shatner.
Greenizan’s friends did not seem surprised when they heard of his demise. “Just another manic Monday,” said office receptionist/pole dancer Melissa White.
[posted by Rades at 10:12 PM] LINK ||