Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Reason #5429 why Sports Night was the coolest show ever on TV: Yeardley Smith (what a bizarre name), the woman who does the voice of Lisa Simpson, had a role on one Sports Night episode, "Intellectual Property" - which aired in 1998 ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

In other news, I was driving from Lethbridge to Vulcan on Saturday and had to make an extreme effort NOT to veer off the road and take a massive detour upon seeing the road sign to "Head Smashed In".


[posted by Rades at 12:24 PM] LINK ||
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
DELICIOUS RAMPAGE CAUSES IRRE-PEAR-ABLE DAMAGE



BY CARLTON FORMAN

(LANGLEY) - Fifteen people were injured Monday after a crazed motorist began hurling pears out of his car while speeding down the road. The deranged driver, Nick Greenizan of Walnut Grove, was covered in pear juice and was raving about how he had 60 lbs. of the ripening fruit sitting in the seat next to him.

“I'm feeling anger with a side order of hostility!" he yelled as he swerved through a busy intersection, throwing the nutritious projectiles wildly.

At one point during the four-hour rampage, Greenizan parked his car atop a freeway overpass, and bombarded vehicles passing underneath while screaming “DEATH FROM ABOVE!”

Area resident Sue Fowler said she was making dinner when someone knocked at her door, yelling “Police! Open up!”

“I went and opened the door, and there was a strange man standing there with drool or snot or something all over his face,” said Fowler later. “I asked him, ‘Are you with the police?’ and he said ‘No, I’m with the grocery store!’ and the next thing I knew I was lying on the floor being pummeled with fruit.” Fowler suffered numerous non-lethal injuries from the brazen produce assault.

Witnesses say Greenizan’s rage was triggered by the noise a crosswalk makes for blind pedestrians. According to RCMP reports, one minute he was parked at an intersection waiting for the red light, the next he was tearing his hair out and yelling ‘WHY DOES IT KEEP BEEPING?!’

RCMP eventually cornered Greenizan in a strip mall parking lot, where the babbling sports journalist pointed at a figure in his backseat and claimed it was a valuable hostage. At this point, Greenizan had stripped down to his boxers and was calling himself “Captain Ham.” RCMP fired warning shots into the air and demanded he surrender, but Greenizan simply shouted back “I am Croaker! I am 100 feet tall! Your puny weapons cannot harm my mighty body!” Moments later, RCMP snipers shot Greenizan nine times and killed him. This baffling incident grew even stranger when officers discovered that Greenizan’s hostage was actually a life-size cardboard cutout of William Shatner.

Greenizan’s friends did not seem surprised when they heard of his demise. “Just another manic Monday,” said office receptionist/pole dancer Melissa White.


[posted by Rades at 10:12 PM] LINK ||
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Open letter to Cindy Sheehan, the woman who's camping outside George Bush's ranch because her soldier son was killed in combat in Iraq in 2004. GROW THE FUCK UP. You, and certain members of the Canadian government, may not want to hear it but guess what - in the military, and in war, people die.

Yes, it's sad that your son died, no one will argue with that. But face facts, it was his choice to join the military. He knew the risks when he enlisted. If you weren't willing to accept the fact that yes, one day he might have to go off and fight for his life, guess what? That's something you should have taken up with your son, not Bush. You should have been protesting outside your son's home, not Bush's ranch.

Also, if your son really wasn't willing to go to war like you're saying, then he shouldn't have been in the army.

You want to talk about people who really had a reason to protest? Talk to the people who had sons, fathers and families ripped away from them through the evil of conscription. THEY have a reason to hate the government for their actions. But you? You're dishonouring your son's name and intelligence by implying that going to war wasn't his decision.

You might resent Bush because of his decision to put soldiers into Iraq. You may hate him for his choice to go to war. But don't blame him for your son being in the military, because he didn't have anything to do with that.

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I think I'm setting some kind of record. I'm currently reading five books at once. Well, four now, since I started and finished Stephen King's "The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon" last night. For the uninformed, Tom Gordon is a pitcher in Major League Baseball. And it's funny, but when this book came out I had no interest to read it, because I had no idea who Gordon was. But now that I know, I was suddenly intrigued. Good turn of events too, because it's an excellent read.

Speaking of books, I read The Da Vinci code recently. A decent mystery/suspense novel with an okay plot, and lectures and history lessons up the wazoo. If you're big on religious history or looking to expand your knowledge on Jesus, Mary Magdalene, the Holy Grail, the Knights Templar, or etc., then this will be an interesting read. You might not agree with it, might find it blasphemous, but whatever, it'll be interesting.

However if you don't care about any of that - like me - then this book probably isn't for you. The religion and history makes up about 90% of the book. The remaining actual events and plot is okay, but the structure is awful. The events in the book are interspersed with long, sprawling dialogues about The Last Supper or ancient cipher codes and all this other stuff. It's basically like:
- Jack went to open the door.
- 3 page narrative on how the door was modelled after a religion icon, how the icon had significant meaning to four tiers of the Church, how Da Vinci drew about the door, how the door was especially symbolic to the Muslims, etc.)
- Jack opens the door and walks through. Door is never mentioned again.

For a different metaphor, it's like watching a hockey game where there's 2 minutes of gameplay and then 10 minutes of commercials.

Overall, the story is okay, the plot pretty interesting, but the pacing of the book suffers horribly from the endless information and theories thrust upon the reader. 5/10. If I were into religious history I'd say it'd probably rank higher, maybe an 8/10, but the pacing would still be awful.

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The Nickknack is coming out to Vulcan this weekend, and we've got a busy weekend to look forward to consisting of drinking, Space Ghost, gastronomical decadence, Sealab, the movie Four Brothers which stars Josh Charles aka DAN RYDELL from Sports Night, Sports Night, and quite possibly further madness that at this point, would be utterly impossible to predict.

By the way, I'm still kicking his ass in Baseball. The rankings on the right are in fact accurate.

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I've never read a book, says Posh Spice
Not much to say here, it kinda speaks for itself.

Man invents high-powered radioactive laser that can see through walls
The funny thing is that it's the same guy who made the crazy Bear body armor suit.

The Bee Venom Therapy Journal
Apparently Bee Venom is something Multiple Sclerosis victims use. That being said... "I was anxious to feel the benefit's of the venom in my body. I hadn't had a session all week. Sounds weird? All I can say is, it just 'feels' right."

A cow has eaten my ipod and I want to go back and punch it in the face
"I was about to run after it but was held back by the attractive female for fear that I would cause a stampede and be crushed by cows and bulls with big pointy horns."

iPods may lead to increase in musical hallucinations, says psychiatrist
Aziz expands with a chilling example: "People will all of a sudden start hearing a song, such as Yes, We Have No Bananas," although he adds that musical hallucinations are uncommon and often associated to psychiatric conditions, brain tumours or epilepsy.


[posted by Rades at 2:40 PM] LINK ||
Monday, August 01, 2005
Today I received an email from eBay verifying I had changed my email address. Which is funny, because I hadn't done so.

I logged in and to my surprise, discovered that I was attempting to sell a large John Deere tractor! Imagine the look on my face.

I also discovered that my email address had been changed from my keginme one to lonabargermnb5@yahoo.com. I realized that some poor soul must have accidentally logged into my account, changed my account information, and put their beautiful tractor up for sale.

I helpfully informed eBay Security about the mistake, and provided them with the email address of the person and the IP address they used to change it.

They probably looked at my eBay history and realized I was telling the truth, as it would read something like as follows:
June 2004: Bought Transformers lithograph
July 2004: Bought Transformers figures
August 2004: Bought Anime "Trigun Wallscroll"
August 2005: SELLING TRACTOR

I also noticed that the location they were selling from was Kamloops, BC. Now, this could be just because that's where my account info said, but on the off chance that they really do live in Kamloops, I emailed the person from an alternate email address asking to see the Tractor in person. If they agree, perhaps I'll show up with, hmm, perhaps the L'Heureux's functional crossbow and tactfully point out their eBay "mistake."

In any case, I've taken the liberty of writing this person a series of mocking emails, from various email addresses, all with disturbing pictures attached. I've also signed them up for a multitude of spam, newsletters and pornography subscriptions.


[posted by Rades at 8:11 PM] LINK ||