Sunday, July 24, 2005
A HEARTWARMING TALE OF CHRISTMAS TERROR:: The Stupidest Angel (a book review) ::

Way back last year, must have been August or September, I picked up a book at Chapters. And while this is itself it not a noteworthy or common event, the reason behind my purchase was. You know how some people grab a candy bar or pop as they're walking up to the checkout? Almost without even thinking about it? See, that's how I am with books. I had already picked out a book, one I had gone there for, when I spotted The Stupidest Angel.

It had a little cartoon angel on the front, and it was on one of those end-of-the-aisle display racks, so you didn't even know what genre of book it was. It also had a subtitle: "A HEARTWARMING TALE OF CHRISTMAS TERROR." The title/subtitle of this book cracked me up so much that, even after checking for a summary on the back and finding none, I bought it anyways.

About a week later I cracked it open. I made it to Chapter 3, 28 pages in. I was not impressed. Small town life, relationships gone awry, a husband and wife squabbling...this seemed like a cookie-cutter generic small town mystery novel, in which a murder would be committed, shattering the solace of the quaint little community, and it would be a bumbling, amusing adventure to find out the culprit. This is what I assumed the book would be, and so I threw it back on the shelf and didn't look at it again for 10 months.

Boy, was I wrong.

With absolutely nothing to do yesterday (my games were down, my books were all read, my shows were all watched) I started reading this again. And almost immediately it got crazy. In a absurd, completely awesome way. Like it was reconsidering its existance and when it felt my hands open up the pages, thought to itself "Aha! Not gonna let you get away this time, fucker!"

The afore-mentioned husband, who's dressed up as Santa for some Christmas event, finds his estranged wife out in the woods cutting down his trees to use as Christmas trees. They argue and then tussle, and long story short, Santa ends up with a shovel blade through the neck.

Things get weird.
Some mysterious stranger in town helps her bury the body, then seduces her. Oh, and this guy has a pet fruit bat named Roberto. Meanwhile her 7-year-old son witnesses Santa's horrible demise and goes home and prays for a Christmas miracle, who arrives in the form of a tall trench-coat wearing man with a taste for chocolate bars and Spider-man.

Meanwhile the Sheriff, who operates a gigantic marijuana field behind his cabin, and is married to an former B-Movie action Queen (who still does her daily katana exercises in the front yard) goes to investigate the husband's abandoned truck. He finds some hairs, and takes it to his scientist pal, who after having been dumped by his girlfriend, is performing tests with male rats that shock their testicles when they try to have sex with the female rat, convinced that male sexuality is an evil, evil thing. The hairs are fruit bat hairs, but he can't confront the stranger, for his job is a helicopter pilot who flies around and spots marijuana fields. And guess what he's just noticed?

Finally, at random points we cut to the town cemetery, where the dead are, I shit you not, conversing among each other about what the people above are doing, wearing, having for lunch, etc.

Things get REALLY WEIRD.
So anyways, all the single/unattached people gather at a church for their annual Christmas get-together/party, which includes all of the characters mentioned so far (except the boy). Cut to outside. The trenchcoat dude is there. He's actually an angel, answering the kid's prayer, and he's a little inept. So he's trying to bring Santa back to life, but he's got no idea where, so he just goes to the woods (which incidentally is by the Church) and basically says "RISE! AWAKE! RISE FROM THE GRAVE!" and walks off to get more candy bars.

Did I mention the town cemetery is outside the Church?

Soon enough Zombies (Zombies!!) are invading the Church, lead by - who else - an undead Santa-wearing husband, who's mad as hell and out for a little vengeance. The zombies, well they want to eat brains, and then go to IKEA. Because as we find out, "No one knows why, but second only to eating the brains of the living, the dead love affordable prefab furniture."

Then, while the Zombies are trying to get into the Church to devour everyone's brains, since they heard/watched all that was happening above them when they were dead, they begin shouting out secrets to embarrass and mortify the townsfolk. Why? ...I have no idea, but it's hilarious.

"Theo Crowe's wife thinks she's some kind of warrior mutant killer!" shouted a rotten woman who had once been a psych nurse at the county hospital.

Everyone in the chapel sort of looked at one another and nodded, shrugged, let out a sigh of relief.

"We knew that," yelled Mavis. "Everybody knows that. That's not news."

"Oh, sorry," said the dead nurse. There was a pause; then, "Okay, then. Wally Beerbinder is addicted to painkillers."

"Wally's not here," said Mavis. "He's spending Christmas with ihs daughter in L.A."

"I got nothing," said the nurse. "Someone else go."

This is as far as I've gotten so far, but this zom-rom-com (YES!!!!) novel has seriously leapt to the upper ranks of the books I've read lately, mostly because at this point, I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what is going to happen. That, and I'm vastly amused at the mental image of the Christmas/IKEA Zombie mob, lead by Santa, who naturally looks like Billy Bob Thornton in Bad Santa. Also, Chapter 18's title is "YOUR PUNY WORM GOD WEAPONS ARE USELESS AGAINST MY SUPERIOR CHRISTMAS KUNG FU".

Overall, a 9/10. Only drawbacks were the slow beginning, and some minor confusion I had between the names of two protagonists, Theo and Tucker.

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American Diver Injured at Championships
Guess who's NOT winning the gold medal!


[posted by Rades at 1:33 AM] LINK ||